you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
