omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
