yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
