he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
