So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
