Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
This is my gift to your gina
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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