i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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