Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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