good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
