she woke up with a sticky ear
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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