I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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