youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
