At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
