He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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