Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Someone signed my nipple.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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