please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
my being single is dangerous.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
