I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Holy sore nipples Batman
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
