Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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