My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
