I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
