i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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