I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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