apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
