I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
