my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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