how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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