He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
