We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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