The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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