remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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