So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
