guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
