Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
