But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
