hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
