hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Alive.
So much puke
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
