Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
