I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
