Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
