there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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