i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
