operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
