I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I haven't been this sober since birth.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
