he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
40s are totally the cure
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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