you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
