Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
