I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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