since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
