"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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