When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
