i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
